PRESS RELEASE
FOR IMMEDIATE DISTRIBUTION
HARD BALL STITCHES BASEBALL LEAGUE – DRAFT DAY CONTROVERSY
"SOMEBODY CALL THE COMMISH—SENOR PERRO JUST STOLE THE SHOW!"
Location: A smoky backroom somewhere beneath the roaring Estadio del Sol, post-draft chaos unfolding…
[CAMERA ZOOMS IN on a barely-hinged folding table surrounded by enraged reporters, dramatic lighting, and a very sweaty announcer with a foam microphone in hand.]
ANNOUNCER “MEAN DANE MENDOZA”:
"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, HOLD ON TO YOUR PELOTAS, 'CAUSE WE GOT A SCANDAL HOTTER THAN A SUMMER IN SONORA! THE MEXICO CITY LUCHADORS HAVE LEAPT FROM 10TH TO 6TH IN THE AMATEUR DRAFT—AND THE BASEBALL WORLD IS CALLING FOUL BALL!
AND AT THE CENTER OF THE STORM? THE MASKED MAVERICK HIMSELF… SENOR PERRO!!!"
[CAMERA WHIPS TO SENOR PERRO—clad in a diamond-studded Luchador mask, cape flowing in the AC draft, twirling a gold cane shaped like a baseball bat.]
SENOR PERRO (growling in a thick accent):
"Ay, papacito… You call it cheating? I call it DESTINY! I didn’t steal the 6th pick—I suplexed destiny and pinned it for the three count!"
[Crowd of press gasps—one reporter faints. Another drops his churro.]
MEAN DANE:
"NOW WAIT JUST ONE MINUTE, PERRO! Sources say league executives caught you slipping envelopes under the commissioner’s locker room door, each one smellin’ like hot sauce and corruption! You think you can just powerbomb your way up the draft board?!"
SENOR PERRO:
"You think I bribed the league? HAH! The only thing I’m guilty of is being the BADDEST BULL IN THE BARRIO! While other teams were cryin’ in their cleats, I was out there body slamming mediocrity and dropkicking doubt! Now the Luchadors got that 6th pick, and soon we’ll be dropping dingers like elbow drops from the top rope!"
[A chair flies across the room. Probably metaphorical. Maybe not.]
MEAN DANE:
"Are you saying this was all... legal?!"
SENOR PERRO (grinning beneath the mask):
"Legal? No.
LEGENDARY? Absolutely."
CUE EXPLOSTIONS AND METAL GUITAR SOLO. CUT TO BLACK