MEXICO CITY — The Mexico City Luchadors are thrilled to announce the signing of starting pitcher Johnny Bland, a right-hander known for his control, calm demeanor, and a fastball that’s been described as “respectably average.”
However, the announcement caused widespread confusion among fans, many of whom believed “Johnny Bland” was not a new player, but instead a new restaurant opening at the ballpark—one that serves only bland, flavorless food.
“I thought it was, like, one of those American-style concepts,” said longtime Luchadors fan Elena Márquez, shaking her head. “No spice, no flavor, everything beige. I was ready to protest. Turns out he’s a pitcher. I guess that’s better?”
The team’s signage didn’t help. With banners reading “The Future is Bland” and “Taste the Johnny Bland Experience”, many fans feared the club was abandoning its bold culinary and cultural roots in favor of pandering to tourists.
“I was expecting turkey sandwiches with no condiments,” said fan Carlos Jiménez. “I mean, Johnny Bland? That sounds like a guy who thinks black pepper is risky. Then I found out he throws a decent slider, and I was like, okay, that’s slightly spicy.”
The misunderstanding spread quickly online, with several memes featuring imagined “Bland Menu Specials” going viral. Among the top items: unsalted boiled potatoes, toast without butter, and water. Just water.
“This feels like the start of something worrying,” said local taco vendor Martín Rodríguez, grilling outside the park. “First they sign Johnny Bland, next thing you know, they’re putting raisins in the mole. We have to stay vigilant.”
Team officials stepped in late Friday to clarify. “Johnny Bland is, in fact, a person,” said GM Rafa Morales. “He throws strikes, not salads. He has never opened a restaurant. He does not own a food truck. He does enjoy grilled chicken, but that’s not a crime.”
Bland, for his part, seemed mildly amused by the attention. “I’ve been called bland before,” he said at a press conference. “Usually by my ex-girlfriends, not an entire city. But hey—I’m here to pitch, and I’m open to trying hot sauce.”